Cucka-Mole in the Guaca-Bowle

Señor ¡Jeb! Garnica Gallo Bush—King of Cuckservatives, Prince of Poltroons, Duke of Wusses, and Earl of Girly Men, all hail!—is now peddling a crappy plastic bowl with little feet for $75. It is called a “Guaca Bowle”.


If you’re both rich and severely retarded, you can get one straight from ¡Jeb!’s online store. But here’s a better idea: buy a set of 24 identical bowls from this site for a measly $35. Then, if you want to impress your cuckservative friends—and for the life of me, I don’t know why you would have any cuckservatives for friends, but let’s say it’s your father-in-law or something—you can tell them you spent hundreds of dollars on “Guaca-Bowles” to “help out the campaign” and you can even give them one of the ugly things, which they will treasure forever and place over their mantelpiece.

If you’re feeling particularly politically incorrect, you can tell them Columba Bush personally spoke an Aztec incantation over each bowl, thereby magically imparting an authentic Mexican flavor to any guac put in it. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but someone who believes ¡Jeb! Bush is “electable” and would make a good president will believe anything.

Talking about being politically incorrect, there’s something undeniably odd about ¡Jeb! mentioning his “secret guacamole recipe” but refusing to give it out. After all, these are people who, for some reason, like him enough to buy a worthless plastic bowl for $75 and yet he can’t share a measly recipe with them? Normal people post their favorite recipes online for free, for crying out loud, so why is ¡Jeb! oh-so-coy about his take on the creamy Mexican dip?

Information obtained by Anticuck’s South Florida bureau chief may provide an explanation. According to reliable sources, the would-be dynast didn’t reveal his recipe because it contains an unusual ingredient, one provided by a man fondly known in the Spanish-speaking Bush household as “El Toro”. Because of this, most folks would be unable to properly prepare ¡Jeb!’s version of guacamole even if they were so inclined.

Ever concerned to squash talk that he’s an elitist, ¡Jeb! has told friends, “There’s nothing I’d like more than for everyone in this country to meet a guy like El Toro, and when I’m president I’m going to make sure it happens. It just adds so much to a couple’s lifestyle and really strengthens their marriage.”